Hey, once I was one of THEM - glad that I missed the bus that day...
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Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
CreamyPretzel
MemberI shook hands with an HONEST politician once. Then I rolled over and woke up.
Posted 16 years ago # -
RunesageMagik
MemberJust when you'd assumed fraudsters like the Nigerian scammers had reached a nadir in creativity, along comes a Texan who really thinks big. Actually, he lacks even a passing familiarity with THINKING, but his aspirations were huge!
(the Yahoo/AP link may expire in a few days, so here's the gist and a snapshot)Thu May 1, 9:04 PM ET FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 BILLION check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.
OP ED: Interestingly, just a week ago, CNN reported that the Fed had written an identical $360 BILLION check to bail out crooked bankers. Coincidence? I think not. Quick, somebody check to see if Fuller and Bernanke are related.
For a second giggle, in a bizarre attempt to blend immediate and delayed gratification, somebody's come up with a new way to overcommercialize the concept of marriage:
Step 1 - Get married
Step 2 - Spend a bundle
Step 3 - Get a million dollar rebate.The catch? Just stay married for 30 years. (Note: the majority of existing marriages are not grandfathered into this game... no pun intended)
With 50% of marriages failing, house odds are against you.
The govt's debasement of the dollar won't help you.
However, if suspension of disbelief comes easy to you and your spouse-to-be, and you've the ability to spend vast amounts at big ticket stores every year for the next 30, you may have a shot.Marriage counseling's new family dynamic: "Sure, Hilary, you were cheated on, but just hang tough for another 12 miserable years under the same roof and you'll be rich!"
Before you enter the wacky world of marriage rebates, use the Millionaire Calculator to see if saving those bucks yourself makes more sense. At least if the marriage fails, you and the spouse would have cash to divvy up.
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberThis is neat... do you have an accent? It sure had me pegged!
http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_havePosted 16 years ago # -
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,
Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor.
By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-colored Ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears, That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter, he fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
There was an Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sang "High dum diddle," and played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
There was an Old Person whose habits
Induced him to feed upon Rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.Want more ? Look here :
Nonsense Books
http://www.archive.org/details/nonsensebooks13650gutPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member -
CreamyPretzel
MemberThere once was a man from Nantucket.....Oh....nevermind.
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberThink what you want. I don't care.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberFrog Psychic Hotline
A frog telephoned the Frog Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberMedia Coverage of Zoo Events
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter from the Berkeley Daily Planet newspaper has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle group are you with and what do you ride?"
"Peace Corps Harley Davidson Riders. "
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member:-D
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberThat joke reminds me of what would be printed in Russian newspapers if the USA and Russia were the only entrants in an Olympic race, and the USA won:
"RUSSIA TAKES SECOND PLACE, USA NEXT TO LAST!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
Posted 16 years ago #
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maizeydaze
MemberA hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book
the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
_________________________________________________________Graylox - Your story is great! :-)
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberGerman at McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberI was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
MemberTwo old men would visit the local bar every night, the management would leave on the counter little boxes of snuff to use freely, the manager noticed the two old men would empty the bar snuff into their own boxes, the manager got some of his dogs poo which was nice and dry and had it waiting for the old men the next night! he watched them empty the snuff, one of the men sniffed the snuff and remarked to his friend, do you smell dog poo? no said the other, i have a cold, then he sniffed the snuff and said Wow that snuff is certainly good, its cleared my head cold so well, now i can smell the dog poo!
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberlol!good ones, guys.
------------------------------There was a young man from Saigon
Whose limericks were two lines long.
-------------------------------------
$1 Bill Meets $20 BillA one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThe Way Children See Things!
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening, when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So, I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He
held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then, she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s
hitting the bottle.”MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, and
then asked, “Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..”
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of
a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn and into the hole he gooooes.”SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated, as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called
out. ” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”Posted 16 years ago #
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