CreamyPretzel
Member
A little boy was out Trick or Treating on Halloween, and he was very proud of his Pirate costume. He knocked on a neighbor's door, and an old man answered.
The boy yelled, "Trick or Treat!".
The grumpy old man said, "What the heck are YOU supposed to be?"
The boy held his chin high and said, "I'm a Pirate!"
The old man said, "If you're a Pirate, where are your Buccaneers?"
The kid replied, "They're under my buckin' hat!"
funkymom
Member
maizey- the klingon language institute
and
klingon translator needed
-------------------------------------
also for anyone who enjoyed the engineers guide to cats, the makers of the video have posted a request:
An Engineer's Guide to Cats - Petition YouTube!
maizeydaze
Member
funky, thanks, but it was Bobby who asked for the translator. She'll know. :)
maizeydaze
Member
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know crap ?
Buckleysmom
Member
BROTHERS
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about
it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were
probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her
boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.. So the
mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where
is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What
happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time,"
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
maizeydaze
Member
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ’What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’
The boy licked his cone and replied,’Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’
Anyone remember All's Well ?
It's one of the treasures to be rediscovered among the Film Chest Vintage Cartoons, part of the Moving Images Archive at the Internet Wayback Machine.
The cartoon, as well as the Film Chest, is a laugh-out-loud experience.
maizeydaze
Member
Bobby, now that is coincidental and funny. Graylox just gave me the link to that cartoon the other day as a prize on the "What Is It?" thread. :)
maizeydaze
Member
Thoughts on dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. -an Ole Hoss
___________________________________________
And then there's, Maggie, dog that can do math!
CreamyPretzel
Member
I played chess against a chimp once, but he wasn't really that smart. I beat him two out of three games.
maizeydaze
Member
164 million dollar lottery winner - big change!
The real interview (still funny):
CNN - Couple wins $164M lottery
maizeydaze
Member
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"
maizeydaze
Member
maizeydaze
Member
OGC unveils new logo to red faces
"It cost £14,000 ($28,000 US) to create, but clearly no-one at the smart London design outfit that came up with the new logo for HM Treasury thought to turn it on its side."
maizeydaze
Member
You've got to see this guy! Guy Hamelin (AKA LeChef) can cook breakfast using a blow dryer and curling irons, make curly fries using a drill press and more dishes using unconventional methods and tools. What fun!
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, ''Lordy, were they ALL dead?'' The old farmer said, ''Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.
maizeydaze
Member
:D
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