Such a pity that I can't understand it. or only very, very little
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberGraylox, I know how you feel. Time for another bier at the Rhabarberbarbarabar! :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberHey you guys, thought you might like to see the
new 5 dollar bill :)Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTake a nostalgic peak into some old and popular periodicals. See scanned articles and ads from Look, Mechanix Illustrated, Modern Mechanix, National Geographic, Popular Electronics, Popular Mechanics, Popular Science and more.
LINK: MODERN MECHANIX - YESTERDAY'S Tomorrow TODAY
We've come a long way, baby! Below are a few excerpts.
Popular Mechanics (June, 1950) - Ad
BUILD A URANIUM LOCATOR!GOVERNMENT NEEDS URANIUM!
Valuable undiscovered deposits may be at your finger tips! Find them with a Geiger Counter. Send $1.00 for Big How-To-Build Plan . . . Describes easy, inexpensive construction and operation. No technical experience needed. This little locator may show you the way to wealth. Uranium and other needed metals are being discovered daily!
Send $1.00 Today For Your Big Plan!
LEJAY MANUFACTURING CO.
247 LeJay Bldg., Minneapolis 8. MinnesotaLook Magazine - Origins of Computer Dating (Feb, 1966)
boy… girl… computerNew dating craze sweeps the campus
PRODUCED BY GENE SHALIT, PHOTOGRAPHED BY PHILLIP HARRINGTON
Out of computers, faster than the eye can blink, fly letters stacked with names of college guys and girls—taped, scanned, checked and matched. Into the mails speed the compatible pairs, into P.O. boxes at schools across the land. Eager boys grab their phones… anxious coeds wait in dorms … a thousand burrrrrrrings jar the air . . . snow-job conversations start, and yeses are exchanged: A nationwild dating spree is on. Thousands of boys and girls who’ve never met plan weekends together, for now that punch-card dating’s here, can flings be far behind? And oh, it’s so right, baby. The Great God Computer has sent the word. Fate. Destiny. Go-go-go. Call it dating, call it mating, it flashed out of the minds of Jeff Tarr (left) and Vaughn Morrill, Harvard undergraduates who plotted Operation Match, the dig-it dating system that ties up college couples with magnetic tape. The match mystique is here: In just nine months, some 100,000 collegians paid more than $300,000 to Match (and to its MIT foe, Contact) for the names of at least five compatible dates. Does it work? Nikos Tsinikas, a Yale senior, spent a New Haven weekend with his computer-Matched date, Nancy Schreiber, an English major at Smith. Result, as long date’s journey brightened into night: a bull’s-eye for cupid’s computer.
more....Mechanix Illustrated - Shadowgraph Aids Judges (Nov, 1939)
Shadowgraph Aids Judges
WITH scores of beauteous contenders entered in the contest conducted to select the official Miss California during the Venice, Calif., Mardi Gras, a shadowgraph was devised to aid in judging entrants. Measurement lines were marked on a big sheet of plate glass, and when an entrant stepped into the frame, the judges were able to tell her measurements at a glance.Modern Mechanics - Unique Bus of Future to Duplicate Speed of Railroads (Jun, 1930)
Unique Bus of Future to Duplicate Speed of RailroadsRECENT developments in everything that moves has caused many flights of imagination. Thus the fancy conjures up a bus to keep pace with other transportation. The bus between New York and San Francisco will be equipped with airplanes for trips not on the regular schedule. For diversion, billiard rooms, swimming pool, dancing floor and a bridle path would be available. The pilot would be “enthroned” over his engines, with the radio above. Space for autos would be afforded by the deck.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberMottos to Work By
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberMurphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that does' t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberA little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by
God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
New Diet Foods:
CLEAN CUISINE: Additive free, without any genetically modified foodstuffs (distilled water).
MEAN CUISINE: Sour grapes served with a generous portion of spleen and a bottle of whine.
SERENE CUISINE: Triple-decker Valium sandwich with sprig of parsley.
WEAN CUISINE: Milk.
GREEN CUISINE: Peas in olive-colored jello.
JAMES DEAN CUISINE: A carton of high-tar cigarettes and a bottle of bourbon.
JELLYBEAN CUISINE: Large bag of multi-colored soft confectionery, accompanied by broccoli and gravy.
CAFFEINE CUISINE: Flask of double-brewed coffee, together with a large bar of dark chocolate.
JEAN CUISINE: Cheese and lettice sandwich wrapped in denim.
TRAMPOLINE CUISINE: To help you cope with life's ups and downs, extra-hot chilli-peppers dipped in vanilla ice cream.
UNSEEN CUISINE: For the truly diet-conscious, an empty box.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTHE DEGREES OF BLONDENESS
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the coast is clear."SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me. I know 'em all."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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Have you guessed that I'm a brunette? :)Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberWork Vs. Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!
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someone please remind me of why i'm looking for a job?Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberMinnesota Ghost
This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."
Posted 16 years ago # -
Posted 16 years ago #
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maizeydaze
MemberBobby, those are great! I especially like the Engineers. Thanks. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
This five year old was overheard asking Grandma how old she was. 'Forty-nine and holding!' was Grandma's reply.
The little guy is deep in thought as he looks Grandma up and down and then says ... 'How old would you be if you let go?'
***
BTW: I love the jokes y'all are posting here. One of the things I miss about Dad was his 'Joke of the Day.' Methinks it's time to carry on the tradition with the grandkids....so...keep 'em coming folks!
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberOK Bobby...here you go!
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom: I can see it now ... "shall we (hic) gather at the r-i-i-ver.." Sounds like a Red Skelton routine; I may have to submit this to my church elders for their newsletter :)
FunkyMom: glad you like the 'engineers' vid. I collect engineer jokes to send to my brother .. an electrical engineer. The Minnesota Ghost story was a riot, too .. thanks for that one!
Maizey .. My daughter is the family's 'token blonde.' She's threatened to put me up for adoption if she hears another blonde joke. I couldn't even get her to watch 'Legally Blonde.' (those are funny, though!)
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberA preacher was giving a Hellfire sermon and the church was packed....even the balcony was bursting with people. As one young lady was leaning to hear the preacher better, she accidently got pushed and flipped over the balcony. She clung to the rail with her hands.
The entire congregation below her started to look up, and the preacher shouted, "STOP! Let he who gazes up that young lady's dress be blinded by the Lord!!!"
One fellow took his left hand, covered his left eye, and said. "I think I'll take a chance with this here right eye."
Posted 16 years ago # -
Posted 16 years ago #
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maizeydaze
MemberA group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberGraylox, please don't shoot the messenger. ;)
Posted 16 years ago #
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