Funkymom
You rock!
I *was* wondering how he landed safely...
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
Memberfunky, good one! Thanks. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThree women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA Bun in the Oven
A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberInterstate Inspiration
Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these darned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground. I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these darned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member:D
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberyou might have seen this one before:
Skinny Dippers
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Posted 16 years ago #
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funkymom
MemberGive and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberif only they were all like this:
Devoted Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberFunky, I like those ones. :D
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberYou just can't fix stupid
ONE; Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six,
nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head
and ordered six McNuggetsTWO; I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much
this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.THREE; A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'FOUR; I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should
have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote
thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Whydon't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'FIVE; Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine
paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and
proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.SIX; I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to
make a sandwich.SEVEN; My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman
in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke
coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?'EIGHT; Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector'
was working, the suspect confessed.NINE; A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it
should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant
killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberwow, buckleysmom- i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Lotto WinnerA woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted
at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said,
"Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?""Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out ."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Membero.k., you asked for it (i'm sure it sucks-i just used a regular online translator):
Lotto Gewinner
Eine Frau ist nach Hause gekommen, dem ihr Auto in den Fahrweg kreischt, und hat dem Haus begegnet. Sie hat
die Tür zugeschlagen und hat oben auf ihren Lungen geschreien, „Honig, packt Ihre Säcke ein. Ich habe die
Lotterie gewonnen“!Der Ehemann hat gesagt, „Ach mein Gott! Was sollte ich, Strandstoff oder Bergstoff einpacken“?
„Macht nicht aus,“ hat sie gesagt. „Steigen Sie nur aus.“
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Membernow, here is a giggle.....
look what happened when i tried to reverse translate the translation:Lottery winner
A woman came home, met that its car into the roadway kreischt, and the house. It slammed the door and screamed above on its lungs, "honey, packs your sacks
on. I won the lottery"!The husband said, "alas my God! What should I pack up, beach material or mountain material"?
"Power not from," said it. "paths you only out of."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberThe Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Posted 16 years ago #
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