Read "Customer Reviews" for the book Penetrating Wagner's Ring. It's very popular!
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHow To Behave On An Internet Forum
Internet forums are either a brilliant community where you can meet and chat with new, interesting people, or full of scornful idiots who deserve to be banned from The Net in its entirety. This film explains some of the common mistakes people make in forums, which makes then the sort of loathsome fool no one wants to know.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberBANNED FROM WALMART
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. July 2: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 18: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And the final straw....
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
Tom Richards, Walmart Manager
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberBuckleysmom, is that your hubby? LOL
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberYou know how Microsoft seems like it always crashes at the most inopportune moments possible? Well frankly, it’s all your fault. What you need to do is type the following command: Hold ALT, CTRL, CAPS LOCK, and TAB while simultaneously pressing F8, HOME, ARROW DOWN, and ENTER.
This will bring up the following dialog box. Examine closely to adjust your systems preferences.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberRobert....glad to help!
Maizey......funny you should ask. Wal-mart hasn't kicked him out but I hate it when he goes with me. He did security for a while and one of his jobs was the mobile unit outside Wal-mart (he worked for an outside co. not Wal-mart). Of course all the guys made friends with the clerks so now when we go there to shop he's like little miss or popular and he has to stand around talking to everyone. He was going on with a guy in produce the last time we were there and I was behind the guy doing everything but hanging from the ceiling to get his attention.....but he just kept yacking away.....and they say women talk a lot.....sheeeesh
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWhen hubby and I go to Walmart, we split up. He usually takes the cart with him. Wish he wouldn't because he usually loads it up with food that we don't need and some "really cool" gadgets that were on clearance in sporting goods or hardware. As I said before, he is popular, he knows almost everyone within a 25 mile radius from home! So when I'm ready to leave, I've got to try and track him down. I'll normally see between 5 and 15 people that he had conversations with and they will point me to where they last saw him. By the time I get there he has already moved on. This can go on for an hour or more from the time we walk in the door. My feet get so tired! So, I know exactly what you are talking about. Although, there are times when I do a lot of socializing myself. :D
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberWe solved that problem.....we never shop without our cell phones. Does yours like to read labels? He drives me nuts with that.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberAh, we do not have cell phones. He wants some but I loath them. So many people are so rude with them and the way they drive while using them. I've had so many close calls with reckless drivers, all talking on cell phone...one day there were five near accidents within 30 minutes! I don't want him to be one of them! And I refuse to have one. If I would ever need one I'm sure someone nearby will have one that I can use. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberWell I sure can understand you're feeling that way, they are a nuisence. We always considered them a too expensive luxury item, but when he was doing security he needed one. They were unarmed so his phone was at times his only protection. My main reason for getting one is that if the car breaks down or anything I'm stranded, because of arthritis I can't walk to get help. It's been very helpful shopping. I use the zippy carts in big stores like Walmart and at our local one the last 4 times the cart quit working when I was about as far to the back of the store as possible. One time I called hubby and he brought me another cart, the other times he brought a regular cart to put my stuff in and I just grabbed whatever else I needed on my way out of the store. They have at least 8 carts and half the time they're broken down, the rest of the time thry're just not fully charged. Good old Walmart!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIf life really was "like a box of chocolates," you'd be able to squish in the top someones head to see if you liked them or not.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberClasses for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
Memberfunky....I think #7 should say,
Learning how to find things....
Part 1. looking right in front of your nose
Part 2. Looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberi agree! :D
---------------------------
Good InvestmentA woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Memberfunky, smart woman! Now where do we get the millions so we can pull this stunt?
Posted 16 years ago # -
Face
MemberMaizy,
From a dog that hates TV (good one!) to a cat that loves football (and that's not American football, guys!) - I found this one near yours and thought it was a hoot! My cat Petey loved it.
And I tried that squishing in the top of people's heads to find out if I'd like them, but all I found out was how much they didn't liked me - maybe for squishing in their heads - can't really be sure.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Face
MemberThanks funkymom - sorry everybody! Here it is:
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/football-cat-p1.php?vid=5210And another one to make up for the oversight:
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2004/m_monkey_smell-p1.php?vid=910Posted 16 years ago # -
Thank you Face for those links. Found another vid there :
It ought to be love !
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/otters-hold-hands-p1.php
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberthanks face- i particularly loved the cat.
graylox- i love the otters. i'd forgotten about them, i had seen it before.
i found this on boreme.com, but for some reason i'm posting the youtube link.
not sure if i should be posting here or in the "willing to donate/beatles" thread.jim carrey sings i am the walrus with george martin's blessing and assistance
-------------------------------------
edit!!!!
graylox- i just found this:
otter remixPosted 16 years ago # -
and the story behind the otter vid :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWu5ggvRDSw&feature=related
I still love them!
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberGreat vids you guys. Loved the otters.....so cute! Jim Carrey is such a nutty guy, it must be a blast to work with him. Thanks for sharing.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member"How to speak hip" is audio instructions from 1959. For English speaking people who want to talk to, and be understood by: Jazz musicians, hipsters, beatniks, juvenile delinquents and the criminal fringe. "Relax and flip...you know, groove with it!" Don't be a loose wig!
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberHelisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.
Posted 16 years ago #
Reply »
You must log in to post.