# 2 offends me !
# 14 and again pants
# 4 we should ask BuBBy whether this is true
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberCute peeps! Now this is one that is true! Just heard it on TV earlier today.
The government recently did an audit, and found that it's costing them 2 cents to make a penny and 10 cents to make a dime!!! Talk about throwing money away! For some reason, even if it is stupid, I couldn't help cracking up on that one!!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberA wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberA housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet during their meetings. During one such meeting, her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A week later, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membergraylox, you are welcome. ;)
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberMaizey....here's one for you.....
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room."He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife."Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired ( I think she actually said this sarcastically!)."No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth)."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it."Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my
wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged."Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results."Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Pete's sake.).The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass."What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside."Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly."What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . .."She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay."I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class, Lizards lay eggs.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberOh my......it didn't look that long in my email......sorry!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberBuckleysmom - That is just too much! Priceless! Thanks.
Posted 16 years ago # -
RunesageMagik
MemberFunky, back when I bred leopard geckos and other cold-blooded creatures, there was no Google and I couldn't recall any references to viviparous lizards, so as I read that tale my thoughts were the same. However, a quick Google shows there actually are at least 2 species, with ranges almost poles apart. Zootoca vivipara in Eurasia, and Tiliqua nigrolutea down under in Tasmania and part of Australia. That caused me to pull out my old Encl. of Repts & Amphibs (@1974), and lo and behold, there's mention of both. Who thought jokes could lead to nature study?
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberGlad you all enjoyed it. I haven't had much......none really.....experience with lizards but I sure could relate to the wife's laughing hysterically. I would have done the same thing.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberOne-Question IQ Test
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThe new salesman
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
Posted 16 years ago # -
yeah, I don't need any pills anymore I ROTFLMAOWPIMP
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membergraylox - I can't find "PIMP" on the list. I think I know what you are saying though. LOL Happy to help you with your withdrawal. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
scubaguy (R.I.P.)
Membermaizeydaze - This is what graylox is saying.You had to look under "R"
on the list.
ROTFLMAOWPIMP = Rolling on (the) floor laughing my ass off while peeing in my pantsPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberOh, I thought it was parsed out to be "Rolling on the floor laughing with piss in my pants". Duh! That spaceship better come to pick me up soon cause' once the brain is gone looks are sure to follow!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberBabies to make you laugh!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWe've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this story:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, an d I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIf this song doesn't bring a smile to your face nothing will. My 11 year old stepdaughter laughed hyserically, making me play it over and over again.
Bouncy indie guitar-pop with an 18-month-old singer. Billy likes to lay down his vocals while suspended from a door-frame in a baby-bouncer and takes a stream-of-consciousness approach to his utterances. Tim, fortunately, likes to do a lot of post-production. The kids love it, apparently.
Turn up the volume and press the play button on the player to the right.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIs anyone looking at this stuff or maybe they are not amusing? There is more if you want it. I'll quit posting if you don't. :)
Posted 16 years ago #
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