Hey maizey, you can be sure that I am looking and rotfl. Had a bad day, but tried to follow up anyway. Please don't stop! :-))))
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Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
Membergraylox - Sorry you're not feeling well. :( I hope today is better.
Today I'm going to play my lucky number "1111" in the Pennsylvania lottery. When I win there may be an investigation though. Look at what happened before with numbers "666": 1980 Pennsylvania Lottery scandal
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED (okay - 11)
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
7. So that -with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
.... And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00 !"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberRules for a successful holiday:
1. Get together with the family
2. Relive old times
3. Get out before it blowsPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since.IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "Were sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS ..IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas CityIDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, " If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ..IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MississippiSTAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
and the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE and our enemies know it!!!Posted 16 years ago # -
We don't need the help of any aliens to exterminate human race, look here :
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com/forums/topic/2917?replies=13#post-22280
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membergraylox - Some people should not breed. Unfortunately, it will only get worse when they do have their own children. Look at their role models. :(
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberOkee-dokee!
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberThose babies are so cute! They got me to thinking about some Tim Conway clips I saw a while back so I looked them up so I could share them with you guys. I just about fall outta my chair every time I watch them. Here you go.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEGuVb-mtf0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBLhrZjhT3o&feature=relatedPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHappy St. Patrick’s Day
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boyos, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be then?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.
------------------------------------------------------Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
-------------------------------------------------------An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
-------------------------------------------------------An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk, “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
----------------------------------------------------------Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
---------------------------------------------------------Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, for the love of god, put down that damn gun…’ “Posted 16 years ago # -
Are you sure, Mary used the word "damn" in a church? I confess, I'm not so familiar with those things, but to swear in a church? And what about you, Maizey my girl, I've heard, that after saying such words, you have to wash your mouth or in this case perhaps your keyboard?
Weird - like always - need my morning coffee...Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membergraylox, I've heard preachers use the word "damned" in sermons. And not a keyboard but "cut N' paste" with the mouse. Bad, bad mouse! I'll get out a little bar of soap for him!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTake this awareness test. Interesting!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberSome guys will do anything to impress their boss.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberFarmer's Divorce
Attorney: "May I help you??"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberShould we start a new thread, "I posted number____" or "You posted number ____"? It could possibly beat "What is it?" within a matter of days! LOL
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
Member200....201?????? What are you guys talking about? Did I miss something. I know I'm slow but....... HUH?????
Maizey....that "Brown Noser" video cracked me up!!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberOh, oh! Buckleysmom, your number 204! And now I'm #205! Get it now?
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberJudgement Day
George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .
W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there is a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberFunky, good one! :-D
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberCrack'n Chicago. Google's Street View shows you all the cool places!
Posted 16 years ago #
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