graylox - Are you not a millionaire yet? Didn't you check your email? It may be too late! Hurry!
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Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
do you mean this mail :
http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg31/graylox/more%20spam/spam9x.jpg
am I now a millionaire ??? pleaaase
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberAttractive Male Faces
UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat where the sun don't shine while he's on fire.
Posted 16 years ago # -
NolafromNZ
MemberMaizeydaze, Thank you for that Tazer funny. I cried with laughter over that, and promptly sent it off to all my friends. It made my day. Only a man......
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberNolafromNZ - You are welcome.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHe said, she said
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you have succeeded.
He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberMale Assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberAn elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberWent to a Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberGood ones. ;)
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberthis cracked me up- it's from i can haz cheezburgr
http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n113/funkymom/gaotd/funny-pictures-mom-cat-licks-paw.jpg
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberRejected Greeting Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberI rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-so-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . . . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and angrily says,
” I’M NOT HAPPY! “
So, I look down at him and say,
’Well, then which one are you?’
That’s when the fight started .
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberI have some questions.
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ‘THEIRS’?
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHere's some good, mostly clean and extremely funny old school humor. I really miss this caliber of comedy on today's television.
Nudest Coloney Skit - Bob Newhart with Dean Martin
Carol Burnett Show with improvisation by Tim Conway
Tim Conway and Harvey Korman from The Carol Burnett Show
Bob Newhart on disarming a bomb.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member25 Things I Learned From My Mom
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberUpgrade Headaches
Hello,
I write this letter since I’m very disappointed with your product.Earlier I had a few minor problems when I tried to run GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed. It seemed they both wanted to use the same port and conflicted. I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn’t come with an uninstall program, so I removed it by hand, but it had left files in my system directory that interfered with the running of the 2.0. At first I thought I had to completely erase the old directories, but later the 3.0 worked great after removing some of the heavy graphics, so I guess it was just a memory problem. Anyway, I have been completely satisfied since the 3.1 was released. (I especially appreciated the fast access and handy buttons)
But then last year, I finally, after an attack of massive marketing, upgraded my old, but still working, GirlFriend 3.1 to Fiancée 1.0. I was told I would get lots of benefits, like free lifetime support, but so far I haven’t seen much of it… Neither was I informed that this would also force me into investing in the Wife 1.0 so soon. One day my SexLife Manager just wouldn’t start. After trying to reach the support for weeks I finally got a reply telling me the only solution was to upgrade. So I did… And it took all available space, but still refused to work.
The upgrade has been a costly matter for me. For example, the Wife 1.0 just wouldn’t accept my old hardware, so I had to spend a fortune on new machinery. Being totally object oriented, it only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. And although I did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with pre-installed, resource-consuming, integrated Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw, BrotherInLaw and MoneySpender. It’s amazing how MoneySpender, being just a betarelease, seems to be the only well functioning application, especially if you have the optional SmartCard unit.
But worst of all; The Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do anything else, or I just won’t get access. And I have also found there are undocumented bugs that cannot be fixed. How come the manual doesn’t mention how important it is to have a full backup of the prenup.agr before installing the Wife 1.0??
Bug report: If I try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Also: A very annoying feature: If I don’t pay attention, everytime I connect, the Wife 1.0 automatically wants to install the Wife 1.0 Plus. (Marketing name: Family Pack). If I don’t remember to cancel in time it will be automatically installed. I missed that, and even though the FamilyPack has great advantages, especially the games, it is far too expensive.
I have spent lots of money getting an expert to help me uninstall the Wife 1.0 and believe I finally got a clean start. Now I have a list of features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:
- Multitasking
- Virus shield
- “Abort” button
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)and for the wife 2.0:
- A “Don’t remind me again” button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown featureBest regards,
Dick HackmanPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberUpgrade Headaches II
Dear Tech Support, last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do? Signed, Desperate
……………………………………………………………
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “I Thought YouLoved Me.exe” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech SupportPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHere is one great little movie critic! Star Wars according to a 3 year old.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIf you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do
you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Membera cute comic:
http://www.thenewyorkerstore.com/product_details.asp?sitetype=1&sid=28643&did=4&affiliate=TNYS06_nAMcpod&link_id=CPODPosted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberDon't Touch Me
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberEarthshaking Headlines - DUH!
1) Infertility unlikely to be passed on - Montgomery Advertiser
2) Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link - Cornell Daily Sun
3) Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut - The New York Times
4) Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find - The Los Angeles Times
5) Light' meals are lower in fat, calories - Huntington Herald-Dispatch
6) Alcohol ads promote drinking - The Hartford Courant
7) Malls try to attract shoppers - The Baltimore Sun
8) Official: Only rain will cure drought - The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
9) Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men - The Sunday Oregonian
10) Low Wages Said Key to Poverty - Newsday
11) Man shoots neighbor with machete - The Miami Herald
12) Economist uses theory to explain economy - Collinsville Herald-Journal
13) Bible church's focus is the Bible --- Saint Augustine Record, Florida
14) Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear --- Journal of Commerce
15) Lack of brains hinders research --- The Columbus Dispatch
Posted 16 years ago #
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