No rancid meat?.....Forget it!
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
CreamyPretzel
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberReal story from last weekend:
A couple of friends and I were sitting on the deck of a pub, when I notice someone waving what looked like paddles at passing traffic across the road, at an intersection. Then a large tree across the road began shaking. Curiosity got the best of me, a friend and I walked over to investigate. When we got past a large stand of trees we found a golf course, the second hole, and a group of about 9 guys. One fellow was climbing the shaking tree, another was holding two paddle-shaped signs with the words "silence" written on them, one was teeing off and the remainder were looking up at the shaking tree. When we asked what was going on, the paddle-man said there was a club in the tree. And sure enough there it was, about 50 feet up, stuck in the branches. When I began to ask how it got there, the paddle-man showed us the signs so the fellow teeing off could make a shot. Then he told us that someone had sprayed Armour All on his buddy's club handle and that's how the club got into the tree. He must have one heck of a swing! We stuck around until they got the club down, which took a while because it kept getting hung up every 5 feet or so, and the tree-shaker had to climb out on each branch to shake it loose. I guess you had to be there. It doesn't seem that funny as I read this. I would have loved to have been there to see that fellow make his swing. Now, that would have been funny!Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberFunkyMom said:
"I must try and sleep. what are you doing up so late?"
_____________________________________________________Sorry, Funky, but by the time you posted that, I was in bed, so I guess my answer would be:
"I'm not up so late, I am in bed. Now let me get some sleep........HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!.....What are you doing in my bedroom???..........."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberi told you, i've got super sneaky ninja skills.
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dan- joking aside, i'm going to contact the friend who has rental properties and see if he has any short-term rentals available. he's out of the country, but i will e-mail him. i assume that you just want something small, he has both apartments and, i think, houses.
anyway, i'll pass on any info i get.
:D
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maizey- that would have been very funny to watch.Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberAn Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman."Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.""So, when do I start?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberArchangel, sorry about that. Here, I'll send someone to clean it for you. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Memberrobm, is that math similar to what you learned then? :D
Here's one for you. (The other was for Paulga, but I haven't heard a peep from him, yet! Maybe this one will get him going.)
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"Posted 16 years ago # -
robm
MemberTo maizeydaze, yes the maths lessons were not far from that. Thanks for the other joke, also great.
Here is another Aussie (Qantas) joke (no offence to minority groups intended). All in jest, hope you like it.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberLast year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-glazed energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what this fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThese folks are...well...interesting...
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberFor those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWords of Wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me ALONE.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted 16 years ago # -
robm
MemberMaizey I must visit you next when I require some Spiritual Enlightenment, they're amazing.
On a totally different note here is a link to that unique breed "An Aussie Gentleman". I realise that this is an oxymoron and therein lies the humour. I think it's spot on. Enjoy!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Memberrobm, Whadayawant? Abita advice? Howya going? Go on.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberOne day a police car pulled up to Grandmas house and Grandpa got out.
The police officer explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the local park.
“Why, Harold, “said Grandma, “You’ve been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?”
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn’t hear, he whispered, “I wasn’t exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
Posted 16 years ago # -
robm
MemberTwo Australians died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peters asked the first if he had ever been unfaithful to his wife. "Once," was the reply.
"That's not bad," said St Peter, and gave him the keys of a Rolls Royce. "You can drive around Heaven in that," he said.
St Peter put it to the second Australian:"Have you ever been unfaithful to your spouse?"
"No more than a dozen times," he replied. "Okay," said St Peter. "That's your battered old Holden. Fix the tyres and you can drive around Heaven in that."
The very next day when the Holden was repaired he was chugging along Celestial Way when he saw the Rolls parked on the side of the road and his friend crying his eyes out.
"Why the grief?" he said. "You got the best deal. Look at the heap I've got to get around in."
"It's not that," said the Rolls owner, "I just saw my wife go past on a skate-board!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberAnd, Oh, that's a deadlock...
Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tutoring: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we canceled our trip.Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has canceled her trip.Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tutoring: This week we will have class as usual.Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .This is called dead lock.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberNewspaper clips and the police blotter.
Posted 16 years ago #
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