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BBQ Rules for this summer

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Started 16 years ago by Whiterabbit-uk
Latest reply from ch33to

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Whiterabbit-uk
Games Guru

An old school friend whome I've recently re-established contact with (via friends re-united) after over 35 years, sent me this in an Email the other day. I thought it was funny; I hope you do to. :)

BBQ RULES:

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE CHARRED MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating and listening to how well Chelsea/Man U./Millwall are doing in the cup, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

Obviously written by a woman, Wabbit. Look how the CRUCIAL part of the preparation (pre-#4, aka "the lighting of the grill") wasn't just downplayed but completely ignored! (the dismissive comment about danger notwithstanding)

I mean really, you have:
the meticulous piling of the briquettes;
the complex techniques of firestarting, passed down from scarred father to surviving son over many generations;
the judicious application of flammable liquids and igniters;
the singed facial hair from altogether predictable yet totally unexpected flashback;
the frenetic dashing from side to side as billowing smoke obscures the meat and drives away gnats, mosquitoes and sober guests;
the stomach-churning cross-contamination that comes from using the raw meat tongs to scratch nether regions;
the delicate poking, flipping, and nonchalant retrieval of dropped pieces AND their strategic placement back on the grill so's they'll only be served to Uncle Elmo;
and finally, the dispersal of hot embers onto dry tinder way out at the back of the property which inevitably triggers a conflagration that announces to the entire neighborhood that Man has once again invented Fire. These are all sacred traditions women just don't grasp!

Deep frying turkeys is a whole 'nuther art, often ending in a spectacularly large fireworks display that consumes the wood deck, house, garage, family car and neighbor's siding. This is usually followed by a bellicose yet unsteady dance in front of a fire marshall, accompanied by slurred claims that all safety precautions were followed, to the letter.
Credit where credit's due, I say.

Posted 16 years ago #
maizeydaze
Member

I can relate to WR's BBQ Rules post. It is entirely correct and paints a true picture of the way a BBQ here actually goes down.

I hate entertaining, barbecues in particular. The grill is about 50 feet (15.24 m) from the kitchen. While everyone is outside enjoying themselves, I'm in the kitchen preparing the sides and gathering all the condiments, utensils, plates, etc.. Usually, the hubby will call up for me to bring the tongs, a spatula, Worcestershire sauce or something else, while I'm busy. Then I make a couple of trips down to the grill area with trays of stuff. By the time I bring the last thing out, everyone is already sitting down to eat. I'll begin to fill my plate when someone will ask something like, "Do you have any dill pickle relish?". Then hubby will tell them, "Yeah! Honey, it's on the door in the fridge." So, I'll set my, partially loaded, plate down and run back to the house to get it. I'll no sooner sit down to eat and someone will say, "Ooops! I just dropped my fork on the ground and your dog licked it. Can I have another?" Back into the house to get the fork! By the time I get back everyone is done eating and my food is "cold"! I'll choke it down, then start clearing the table for desert. Usually, I'll have forgotten to bring down the pie server or some other utensils for scooping. And, it's back to retrieve it. After desert, it's clean up time. There I am back in the kitchen rinsing and washing the dishes while all the guests and hubby are relaxing after their terrific meal. By the time I'm done and go back to the party, everyone is getting ready to go home. I had such a great time! Now, it's time for bed. I'm exhausted!
_____________________________________

Rune - Credit? Yeah, right! Give me a break! :)

Later, I'll tell you about the time I started my hair on fire.... I'm too tired to write about it now. :(

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

Now Maizey, no offense intended, just trying to put things in perspective... from a man's POV. MAN - troubleshooter/problem-solver - wouldn't have or cause the problems listed, if only WOMAN would remove the yoke and just let him be his creative, loveable, walking liability self.

For instance, if the man calls on you to bring something, it's really YOUR fault for not anticipating his needs and thinking ahead and having all those things sitting down there within his reach ahead of time.

No guy in his right mind would make "several trips" and forget the relish! Left to his own devices, a guy will make one trip balancing everything in the kitchen (possibly including the kitchen sink) with one hand and his chin so's to keep one hand free to hold a cold beer. And what man needs a freaking pie server at a cook out? That's what hands, fingers and sticks are for.

Look on the bright side. By busying yourself with that pointless and basically unappreciated clean up routine (it's something bears and possums will do for free), you avoid sitting around listening to the drunks belching and passing gas. In fact, you should be pretty grateful to get a good night's sleep... so you're ready for tomorrow's homemaking chores. :-)

BTW- With all the goop some women put in their hair, it's a wonder standing in direct sunlight or the static electricity from walking across wall to wall carpet doesn't cause spontaneous combustion.

(count this as today's musing, okay?)

Posted 16 years ago #
maizeydaze
Member

Friendly, sarcastic and (putting it mildly) "old fashioned man", Rune, you have, most likely, opened a huge CAN O' WORMS! You had best prepare for a lynching from all the "little ladies". I regret to say, there is no hope for you now. Goodbye. It was nice knowing you... :(

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

I warned ya I shouldn't return, and now I've done gone and stepped in the meadow muffins. It's all your fawlt... and lady gray's... and the fresh cool air I've been inhaling this fine morning. I boldly went where no man's been stupid enough to wander before.

Rune, proudly (tongue-in-cheek) anachronistic since the 1950's.

Posted 16 years ago #
maizeydaze
Member

Rune, you are funny! I'm fairly certain that your musing will be taken in jest. After all, us women have heard it all before. Right, ladies? :)

Posted 16 years ago #
copmom
Member

OK.. time to add my 2 cents to this diatribe! Firstly, let man do the BBQ, it's about all he's capable of doing. Then.. instead of making all those trips back & forth from kitchen to BBQ, let him do the grilling and have everything set up IN the house for eating, (less steps), and use only your "fine china".. paper plates and plastic utensils! And don't forget the plastic cups!
Actually what we've always done is have everything set up in the kitchen on the center chopping block, and they can all fill up buffet style! But, yes, I do use throw away dishes and cups, etc. when we do have a group!

Posted 16 years ago #
Buckleysmom
Member

Now it's my turn. Maizey, you MUST start the training process immediately. The first 5 year block is the wife's training period. During this time she learns all the dos and don'ts. From there on is the husbands training period......there is no end to this period.
Years 1-5...Wife does all the running and the work. (As in WR & Runes scenarios)
Years 6-10...Wife trains hubby to "go get the relish or the replacement for the dropped utensil", etc. (after asking nicely of course). Also, she learns to leave the dishes till everyone has gone.
Years 11-15...Wife no longer has to ask him to get things, just gave him "the look". During this period he learns to help with cleanup after everyone leaves. She has learned (as Copmom said) to use paper/plastic wherever possible.
Years 16-20...No need for "the look", he just goes for any forgotten items. He starts cleaning up even before people leave. (Note-oddly, some of the guys help him).
Years 20-25...He helps make purchases and B4-BBQ preparations. Wife lounges by the pool enjoying her ice tea while he brings needed items to the picnic area and keeps a watch on the food grilling on the BBQ. He does the clean-up.
Years 25-????...Hubby discovers the grill is no longer useable and all BBQ's are done at friends homes where THEY do the work. Hubby and wife sit back and for the first time ever really enjoy BBQ's together.

Posted 16 years ago #
maizeydaze
Member

BK - That's wonderful! But seeing this is only my second year, is there any way to speed up this process?

copmom, I don't want all those people in my house. Besides that, the kitchen's not roomy and the table only seats four. I'd rather keep them all outside.

Posted 16 years ago #
Buckleysmom
Member

Maizey.....sadly, no, men are slow learners, that's why their training period never ends :) We're hitting 29 this year and sometimes I think he's still in pre-school.

Posted 16 years ago #
HOSS
Member

Hey! I do my part.. I have beer in a cooler near my chair so that she doesn't have to make a special trip. She "claims" to be to busy for such things.

Posted 16 years ago #
Buckleysmom
Member

Hoss.....Glad to hear you "help her" out that way. You must be in the early training stage :)))

Posted 16 years ago #
funkymom
Member

rune- you are so lucky that i am too tired to even deal with this!

Posted 16 years ago #
mazz
Member

In the end, best you can do is ordering pizza.

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

You folks are too funny...I've been laughing so hard I can't see!

Barbeque in my neck of the woods:

Amble across the highway to daughter's house (watch out for tractors and combines).
Eat.
Visit with neighborhood.
Eat some more.
Visit some more.
Thank son-in-law for another delicious feast (he's King of Grill)
Eat dessert.
Thank daughter for making an extra batch of dessert for me.
Play baseball with grandkids.
Bind wounds, skinned knees (mine, not theirs).
Have grandkids load paper plates with ribs, dessert; wrap securely.
Peek, smile, rewrap.
Sneak extra dessert onto plate when no one is looking.
Try to waddle home without getting flattened by combine.
Promise self to exercise tomorrow.
Promise self to never eat again.
Get out the extra dessert, go outside, savor dessert, watch fireflies.
Ponder mysteries of life: what if fireflies had different colors?
Get chased back into the house by marauding mosquitoes.
Sleep really, really well.

Posted 16 years ago #
maizeydaze
Member

Bobby, ah... That's the life! Where do you find the energy to play ball after ingesting all that food? LOL

Love this: "Ponder mysteries of life: what if fireflies had different colors?"

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

Simple .. I play far.r.r.r.r.r right field.

I'm so far out that I have to use field glasses to see home plate. I'm so far out that I could take a nap if the chiggers would cooperate. I'm so far out that I have to heckle the batter via carrier pigeon.

Only two of my little hooligans are big enough to hit that far, and one of them is always pitching :) Pitching used to be my job, but getting nailed with a 9-year-old's 80 mph line drive put an end to that exercise in masochism. I'm simply not inclined to move that fast after a barbeque!

Come to think of it, I'm rarely inclined to move that fast before the barbeque.

Posted 16 years ago #
Buckleysmom
Member

Bobby....You're pretty funny yourself girl! Now I'm the one rotfl. That all sounds so familiar except the crossing the road part. I hate to say it but I barely know the people across the road :( His name is Pat and I "think" her's is Maryanne. That's sad!

mazz.....Yep, we do that too...hee hee.

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

Buckleysmom:

One neat thing about living in a small town (read: no stores, no stoplight, no sidewalks, no police), we don't have a choice whether or not we know our neighbors! Everyone seems to know everything about everyone else. Darned if I can figure out HOW this happens ..

btw: what are you waiting for, girl? Get creative .. you can find lots of ways to meet the neighbors! Here are a few to get you started:

Good Method: Sit outside with a telescope and make 'em curious enough to ask what the ? are you looking at all the time?

Faster Method: leave the lens cap on.

Good Method: Park in front of their driveway, a guaranteed conversation starter.

Faster Method: do it just as they try to leave for work.

Good Method: Toilet paper your own house

Faster Method: go door to door with a plastic cup, telling neighbors you are taking a collection to pay some kids to TP your house.

Or, I guess you could throw a barbeque (see instructions, above; fireflies optional)

Posted 16 years ago #
Buckleysmom
Member

Bobby....Our town used to be small, when I was a kid, and most everyone was related, but now there's so many people everywhere, it's unbelievable, and downright disgusting at times. Don't get me wrong....I like people, but I like them a lot better when they lived somewhere else. There's a developement about 15 minutes from here that they call Little New York b/c of all the city people that moved there. Police are constantly going up there. You can get houses there dirt cheap, but nobody wants to live there....except more city people. Your ways to meet the neighbors are funny.....if I did that stuff they'd have me locked up for sure.

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

Oh, R.U.U.U.U.N.E .. you poor, poor man! How you must suffer under the weight of those delusions ....

perhaps a few refresher courses will ease that terrible burden:

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Iron

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. Accepting Loss: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Bacon Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills: Cardboard Boxes, Empty Bottles and Things That Rust

10. Recycling Skills II: Beer Cans Are Not Acceptable Shelving Units

11. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Bowling Shirts to Charity

12. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970's Leisure Suits

13. Appliances: Not Just Gifts For Her

14. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

15. Expand Your Entertainment Options: How To Enjoy An Evening Without ESPN

16. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

17. Survival Skills: Target Practice in the Lavatory

18. Survival Skills II: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!

19. Directions and How To Ask For Them

20. Listening: It's Not Just A Half-Time Activity

21. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Posted 16 years ago #
Violet4714
Member

forgive my being late to this BBQ party...
living in south florida always induces confusion of some sort...
Q: if rune has been anachronistic since the 1950's, wouldn't that have placed him in about the 1800's then & mid-1900's now?...
Q2: his interests are trim petite women, according to his profile...are those just interests, or is he planning to actually meet one while surrounded by his manly-fried turkeys & BBQ's while belching & passing gas?...
the polymath seems to still have much to learn...

Posted 16 years ago #
funkymom
Member

bobby- that is awesome. i "borrowed" it.

can you do me a favor? could you send a copy to my ex-husband? i think he could really use it now.
:D

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

I'm not absopositively sure, but many of the posts following my tongue-in-cheekiness (much of which clearly spoofed man's well-known failings, btw) suggest a kneejerk, dare I say almost herd-like feminist inclination to pounce on imagined slights. I'm not the chauvinist some here seem all too eager to pillory, else I wouldn't have found Bobby's Training Courses list so amusing. Gotta get a grip, ladies. The Bella Abzug Memorial Message Board is 3 burnt bras down the Internet on the left next to the morgue-like Billary in 2008 HQ.

PS - Violet, I was just born old, with tongue planted so firmly in cheek, the apgar test mistakenly rated me part chipmunk. Never have I fried a turkey, set fire to a deck, nor made a lass "step 'n fetchit"... and I can't stand beer.

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

<grin> Funkygal, you bet. Feel free to educate as you see fit :)

***

Oh R.u.u.u.n.e .. c'mere a minute. Sit on Granny's knee while I tell you a little story about a young lady that read Cosmo almost religiously. Determined to find that independent, free spirited, beach-oriented lifestyle popularized by Helen Gurley Brown and her (unknown at the time) evil henchmen, the young lady pulled up stakes and started out on an adventure that crisscrossed America. Soon, she found herself at a Navy recruiter's office and behold! a sign! 'Not Just A Job...An Adventure!'

She pushed open the door and was greeted by a gorgeous hunk in a spiffy white Navy uniform (did I mention gorgeous?), who (obviously trained in the brainwashing techniques presented within the pages of Cosmo), convinced the young lady that life in the Navy would be the greatest adventure of all. Thrilled at the prospect of visiting faraway lands, dazzled by the visuals of midnight at sea with the sound of gently lapping surf against the boat to lull her to sleep, she signs on the dotted line.

Some weeks later, having taken that recruiter's name in vain more than once during her 'initiation' into the Navy, she arrives at the world's largest *inland* Navy base. Hm. Who knew? But with visions of exotic lands and beautiful ocean sunsets dancing in her mind, she finishes a year's training and looks forward to her first orders.

San Diego?!? But .. that's HOME ...

Before long, that once-naive young lady found herself dangling by a thread (or so it seemed) from the bottom of SH-3 and CH-46 helicopters as they hovered over the Pacific Ocean. Visions of man-eating sharks and deadly jellyfish replaced the soothing images oh-so-craftily presented by that beady-eyed jerk so long ago. In order to keep focused on the job at hand, she cussed Helen Gurly Brown and her bra-burning evil twin Betty Friedan, along with the lesser demons Sanger, Stanton, Abzug and Hanisch.

Many years (and several enlistments later) when someone mentions women's lib, she just shakes her head and says ' Honey, I've always been more liberated than I needed to be.'

Now ... Granny must get back to her rocking.

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

Granny, if you're trying to say you are one of the millions of men and women who, since time immemorial, were hoodwinked by used car salesmen's spit and polished BS tactics; or that, after some harrowing experiences and re-ups, you lived to tell about it, might I suggest using the "sit on my knee" approach on someone a tad younger? Perhaps you've a (great)granddaughter who might fall prey to sugar plum promises, say, in a moment of sign-up bonus weakness? Remind her that our corrupt Congress leaves honorable veterans swinging in the breeze, giving only lip service to educational, housing and medical care commitments; all the while fêting the scrambled eggs set with golf courses, limos and double-dipping entry into high-paying private sector jobs.

Not bound by any Truth in Advertising law, Uncle Sammy recruiter's are instead trained in the art of sweet talking the naive, practiced at playing down the fine print gobbledygook on the contract. (e.g., subpara R - "guaranteed" assignments can be and routinely are abrogated for "manpower allocation" whimsy) How 'bout that new pseudodraft lurking behind the euphemistical Stop Loss?

I imagine the fairy tale spinners also conveniently forget to mention recent stats for rape and sex assault against women serving in the military, conservatively est. at between 33 and 50%. (possibly higher, since such incidents are oft underreported) Seems even young men are becoming prey in today's almost prison-like environment that's evolved as the military "loosens" entrance reqs. Desperate attempts to disguise the damage done both to military readiness itself and hundreds of local communities by the last two nincompoop commanders-in-chief, one from each side of the corrupt political aisle, are not playing well in the hinterlands.

Helen Gurley Brown & Cosmo... clearly, Wabbit's fun thread has derailed on a curve or plowed through the Bridge Out sign.

Posted 16 years ago #
Bobby
Member

yikes .. what on earth? No more tongue in cheek stuff for this old gal; 'poetic license' was misinterpreted. I teased on herd-like/brassiere-burning/Billary/Abzug comments made by you. I should have simply said the liberation movement publicity was better than the movie...so to speak. As for the heart-rending stats you posted, you're preaching to the choir, kind sir.

If the thread was derailed, perhaps a soap box was on the tracks?

Salute to you Rune .. bye y'all.

Posted 16 years ago #
Violet4714
Member

Rune...
you are part chipmunk?...
if only i'd received my "Flex Gif Animator" code...we could've made a heckuva gif of you...
to help get WR's thread back on track...
i was told my grandfather used to BBQ chipmunks back in the depression era...

Posted 16 years ago #
RunesageMagik
Member

Sorry, Violet, no chipmunk genes here. The midwife at the asylum jumped to a conclusion that was quickly rectified. BTW- an apgar test isn't a DNA test.

So, was your grandpappy a hobo like the founder of MacDonald's? Reportedly, the idea for burgers and fries came to him one night in a rail yard in 1935 while feasting on chipmunk with a side order of roasted tater. (BTW- he never liked mulligan stew, was really happy when chipmunk was on the camp menu, hence "Happy Meals")

Don't believe me? Where do you think the lyrics - "chipmunks roasting by an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose" - in The Christmas Song came from? That's right... Mel Torme overheard hobos singing it on a bitter cold night and stole the line.

Did you know that Grandma Moses served moonshine disguised as tea to pregnant Depression-era rodents? Naturalists link fetal alcohol syndrome and latent hobo paranoia with an increase in chronically depressed chipmunks committing suicide by hibachi.

Disclaimer- No chipmunks were harmed during the making of this spoof.

Posted 16 years ago #

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