Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
the giggle of the beast:
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberIn the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.Six months later,
the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberA man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over toward him. She asked,'Are all of those kids yours?'He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWhoops! Sorry, suzzyqz. Where have I been? :D
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberThere is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel , who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . . Try and answer within 30 secondsGot your answer?
Here's the analysis:
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
Yeah, I fell for it tooPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPoints to ponder
1. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
2. Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen at a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle become synchronized with a complete stranger.
4. You’re never quite sure whether it’s okay to eat green potato chips.
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6. Reading when you’re drunk is difficult.
7. Nobody ever makes Cup-O-Soup in a bowl.
8. You never know where to look when eating an apple.
9. It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
10. There’s something manly about poking a fire with a stick.
11. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up some sort of ball.
12. You always feel a bit nervous when stroking horses.
13. The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
14. Every man has, at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
15 It’s impossible to look cool while riding in the back of a pickup truck.
16. Everybody has honked their horn while driving though a tunnel.
17. There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
18. No one seems to know the origin of metal coat hangers.
19. Despite constant warnings, no one has ever had their face frozen while sticking out their tongue.
20. Everyone has had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Or get you to pull their finger.
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberShe was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good bye!!!'...#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for
a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure
wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while
I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it
about?' he asked. 'I don't know,'she replied. 'I can't read.'#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what
color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was
fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some
of these yourself!'#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered,'It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'#####
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said
a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't
you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young
boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'#####
A nursery school teacher was deliveringa station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.
'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,'
she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
Memberfunny maizey!!
An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor said, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replied, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife. 'Ethel,' he said, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that when he gets up during the night to go to the
bathroom that, poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?
'Oh, my Lord!' Ethel exclaimed 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again!'Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberBubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on
the far side for their first legal drink.So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ..and
nearly drowned!Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and
confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.Now you know you are smiling over that one!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberGood one girls! LOL
_____________________________________________
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberI like that one maizey!
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThese may have been posted before, but I don't care.
________________________________________________________________A handful of 7 year old children were asked ‘What they thought of beer’.
‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’
–Tim, 7 years old‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ‘
–Mellanie, 7 years old‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
–Grady, 7 years old‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
–Toby, 7 years old’My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
–Sarah, 7 years old‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
–Lilly, 7 years old‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
–Ethan, 7 years old‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
–Shirley, 7 years old‘My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
–Jack, 7 years oldPosted 16 years ago #
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