Copmom and Suzzyqz, those are terrific! Thanks! I may steal those!
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberSmile:
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but F A T cells live forever.And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberGood ones maizey...kind of naughty..but cute!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Bob, the midget.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberAn 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberBITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself
B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful I = Individual T = That C = Can H = Handle anythingPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membersuzzyqz, I love that one, as not only am I a member of that club, I am also the president of the local chapter! :D
Gray, are you a president too? :)
Paulga, I suppose you are in line for that examination???? LOL
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberRobert, I don't know what Gray's examination entails, but I doubt it's for the meek. Are you sure you're up to the test? LOL :D
Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
MemberRobert,.......WARNING,....do not allow that test,...i am still trying to recover from it?....they both tied me down,....that part seemed interesting,...BUT,...when they put on those rubber gloves i knew i was in trouble,...gloves up to the elbow,....i resign from this club.
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPaulga, Huh? You said that you had a wonderful time. Now we know the truth! :(
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberWhen I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started...
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah well, I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
MemberCopmom
Suzzyqz.................both post hilarious, ROTFLMAO..........ok so how come that Robert passed the test?....without any torture?.......why is my ass in a sling, just because i allowed the test,...ok i resigned due to pressure,...ok,...ok,...so i am bitching,...to think, i could have saved my pride,...instead of being bitched.Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
Membercopmom,...you see graylox suggested there should be a test,...to join the Club that Suzzyqz started ,...you know,...The bitch Club,...well as i am all for equality,..and have a kind of soft spot for women,...i decided to allow the test,...but they embarrassed me,...humiliated me,....i went through all kinds of probing,....none of it pleasant,.....far from it,...i am not permitted to mention the happenings on this forum,...but the rubber gloved hand and arm,...was unpleasant,...to say the least,..and graylox enjoyed it,...i looked on her as a friend up to then?
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberPaulga..speaking of asses...
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some ' BUTT ICONS?'
Here goes:(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
Membersuzzyqz..............aha,.........so i am a member,...see where bitching gets one,....as you were ASSisted by the cruel graylox,...i can see from the above post,...you have become an expert on the Ass,....which i am glad to say i will use your expert symbols to further MY experience,...i thank you from the heart of my bottom,...oops from the BOTTOM of my heart,....must get away to bed its 0555hrs here,...cheers,...smile!
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago #
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