Who are these guys?
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You're bad, copmom? LOL
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
copmom
Member( A scene at City Hall in San Francisco )
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
" But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"DUUUUUUUH, DO YA THINK?????????
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWatch this video to find out what Joe is really saying. This is long overdue, IMO! :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberImportance of Walking
I LIKE THIS ONE ESPECIALLY THE FIRST SENTENCE
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberWhere the Hell is Matt ? ( 2008 )
Matt Harding is a 31-year-old deadbeat from Connecticut and known as 'that guy who dances on the internet.' He only does one dance. And he does it badly. But he does it everywhere, all over the world.
14 months in the making, 42 countries, and a cast of thousands.
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Very funny, copmom!!! :)Posted 16 years ago # -
ch33to
MemberI LOVE the marriage bit copmom as if marriage hasn't been made enough of a joke or a way to "exercise rights" you find this and I actually believe these will/have been tried ..HahA
Maizey - Thanks alot now i cant stop "dancing " like matt it's spreading through my body like a disease haha good find ridiculous , but funny =)
Posted 16 years ago # -
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas.As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just
a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can
and buy some gas.The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been
loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted
the bedpan she was taking to the patient.Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan
back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists
watched from a cross the street. One of them turned to the
other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberThey Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where?"They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote.Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberQ: In which direction does a chicken swim?
A: Cluck-wise.Q: Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
A: Squidnappers.Q: What happens when two snails have a fight?
A: They slug it out.Q: What do you call a car that acts in movies?
A: Harrison Ford.Q: What's the purpose of the asteroid belt?
A: To hold up the asteroid's pants.Q: Why did did the history history teacher say say every every thing thing twice twice?
A: Because history repeats itself.Q: What does a cannibal call a phone book?
A: A menu.Q: What do you call a baby rifle?
A: A son-of-a-gun.Q: Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
A: Because they give them wind.Q: What do you get when you cross an automobile with music?
A: Car toons.Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThose look like the jokes that were on the inside the packs of Bazooka gum, when I was a kid. :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberFirst-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.’
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the hind end of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. ’Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.’
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberYou have an oil lamp, a stove and a fireplace - which do you light first?
* A match *What pipe never smokes?
* A bagpipe *Which books teach you how to fight?
* Scrapbooks *Who is the thirstiest person in the world?
* The one who drinks Canada Dry *Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd?
* A fisherman lives by hook and a shepherd lives by crook *How can you get a cow into a frying pan?
* Use shortening *What's the best way to save face?
* Keep the bottom half shut *Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberAAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye– they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberThe above is REALLY true!! Thanks maizey!
Now here's one although it is an oldie:
Bettin' the ponies
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
magazine.'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it, ' she replied.'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he
explained.'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known
there was a good explanation.'Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this
time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.When he came to, he asked, 'What the heck was that
for?"'Your horse called.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberOldie but goodie!
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba
what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height,
weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberMrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer *#(&$ candle.'
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberSouthern STATES of mind:
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,' the successful hunter replied.'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!'Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied.
'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!'Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked,
'Got any I. D.?'The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.Posted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberHUH?
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because If we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberTHE LAWS OF LIFE
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Olivers Law A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (This one is true every time!)
Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time
you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sickPosted 16 years ago # -
suzzyqz
MemberSign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
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On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
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At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
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On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
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On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
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At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
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On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
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On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
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At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
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In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
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At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political PromisesPosted 16 years ago #
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