This is a phone call from a man who witnesses a car accident involving four elderly women. Hope you can hear it, it's hilarious!
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
Buckleysmom
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberA man was driving home one evening and realized that it
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a
present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store
and he asked the store manager "How much is that new
Barbie in the window?"The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes
to the gym' for $19.95.. 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for
$19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...'Barbie
goes to the beach' for $19.95 ...'Barbie goes to the
Nightclub' for $19.95.. and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"."Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others
are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised."Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House,
Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberMessenger...now that's a cute one!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member -
maizeydaze
MemberThings Not To Say To A Cop
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
2. Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?
3. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
4. Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me…Good job!
5. Bad cop! No donut!
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too!
8. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. I pay your salary!
11. Excuse me…is stick up hyphenated?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.
13. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
14. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberPreacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please, Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
Oh, "HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberThe Bathtub Sanity Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup!""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberFunkymom - I'll say an extra prayer for you. After my divorce I ended up a single father of three, 2 boys 1 girl and never the mother around to help except for one day every weekend. I don't want to get into the story how she got away with only paying $20.00 a week for support, which I had to chase her for. She's so behind on it now I don't think I'll ever see it. They were 7, 6, and 3 when I first got them and now 20, 19, and 17 The daughter in the middle. I cherished every moment having them.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberI was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of baconAs I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ''You must be single.''
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ''Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.''
Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
Membermaizeydaze........thats funny......and a shock to the system, i had a wee shock like that, and it made me feel that i wished the ground would open up and swallow me.
when i was in my early 20's....thats fifty three years ago, i was on holiday with my girlfriend, i noticed several packs of girlie playing cards in a shop window, not having the guts to go in and ask for them myself......i asked my girlfriend to do so,....in she went.....she was a long time in there, so i went in to check, just as the girl behind the counter was saying,.....well we have this one....and....that one...which would you like, my girlfriend looked over her shoulder,....spotted me...and said which of these do you like....i still blush when i think of it.
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPaulga, did you get the cards?
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Membermaizey- i just heard the numnut clip on the radio this afternoon, it's hilarious! that poor kid, he was so adorable (and so smart), and he totally kept his cool.
-----------------------
messenger- wow. i'm impressed, i have a hard time with just the one, sometimes. you should be really proud of yourself.
i do understand the "cherishing every moment".........i do, too....even the difficult ones.Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberHi, funky! Your jokes are good! Especially, like the snake joke.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberFunkymom I was lucky, my kids were a hand full and drove me insane, but never got in trouble where cops were involved. My 20 y.o. son after finishing high school works for an landscape designer. My daughter is in collage majoring in art and photography and wants to be an art teacher and my youngest son has 1 year left in high school, so I must have done something right. I think the hardest thing was when they were younger was finding affordable day care during the summer when school was out. It ate up more then half my pay check.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberAll You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberIn that case, you'd think he'd drink slower. ;)
Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
MemberWhen working hand in hand with the London Police, one day i told the following tale, and they liked it, so hear it comes:
the teacher asked her pupils to give an impression of various animals!
Mary ....your impression of a sheep....baaa
john ....your impression of a duck.....quack quack
ethan....your impression of a turkey...gobble gobblethen she asked the little boy named leroy.....your impression of a pig?........"right son your nicked"
Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberAn English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberA girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, “What are their names?”
The blonde replied, “That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex.”
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helllooo?” said the blonde. “They’re watch dogs…”
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberA man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberGSM, I posted it for your benefit. :)
Messenger, good one!
Posted 16 years ago #
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