Maizey.....Your headlines reminded me of one that I have had stuck in my wallet for about 6 years. Here it is, direct from the Parker (Az) Pioneer:
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
CreamyPretzel
MemberPosted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberDan, that's a good one!
_________________________________________
Funny Real Life Crime Stories, Stupid Criminals (85 pages of them)
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberi love stupid criminals and funny headlines.
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Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberPeanuts and Cigarettes
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberA skinny guy walks into a bar with this really ugly, dark colored, tailess dog. He steps up to the bar and orders a drink.
A big mean-looking dude sitting at a table with his pit-bull starts laughing. He leaves his pit-bull tied to his chair and walks over to the skinny guy at the bar, still chuckling. He says to the guy, "My dog can whip your dog!"
The guy at the bar just looks at him nonchalantly and says calmly, "I don't think so."
The big mean guy gets quite irritated by this, and says, "I'll bet you a hundred bucks that my dog can take yours!"
The guy at the bar says, "Okay...you're on."
They clear out a space in the bar, and all the patrons form a circle. At the same moment, both guys release their dogs. In less than five seconds, it's all over. The pit-bull is torn to shreds.
The big mean-looking guy pulls out his wallet, takes out a hundred bucks and hands it to the skinny guy. The skinny guy heads for the exit with his dog, and the big mean guy says, "Hey!.....What the hell kind of dog is that anyway?"
The skinny guy replies, Well, I don't know what kind of dog he is, but before we cut off his tail and painted him brown, he was an alligator."
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberThe Zipper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH-VToohro
This one will make you laugh!Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Membercopmom - Very, very funny! ROTFLMAO!!!!!
_______________________________________I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you Think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,….
‘Then, why do you even care!’
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberfunny.
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Dodge CityA cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.
"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."
With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.
"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"
The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
robm
MemberFunkymom, Maizey and Copmom they were all great, thank you.
Psychology
An attractive woman was sitting alone in a bar when a young man approached her. "Excuse me," he said, "may I buy you a drink?"
"What, to a motel?" she screamed.
"No, no," protested the man, "You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."
"You are asking me to go to a motel?" she screamed even louder.
Completely bewildered the young man retreated to a corner table while everyone glared at him indignantly.
After ten minutes the young woman came over to explain. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene," she said. "I am a psychology student studying human behaviour in unexpected situations."
The young man looked at her and shouted, "What? A hundred dollars?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberTo get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published.
Room Service (RS) : "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS : "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS : "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS : "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G : "What?"
RS : "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G : "I don't think so."
RS : "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS : "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS : "We bodder?"
G : "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS : "Wad! ?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy?"
G : "Excuse me?"
RS : "Copy...tea...meel?"
G : "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy.... rye??"
G : "Whatever you say."
RS : "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberTenjewberrymuds four boasting dat.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberAn jewberrywercum.
_________________________________________________
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking £450,000."MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a
pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.....Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know's who this phone belongs to?"
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself
4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberThis is an oldie buy goody:
AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.
Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in
England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder ‘What horse’s behind came up with it?’ you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ behinds.) Now, the twist to the story:When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s behind. And you thought being a horse’s behind wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s behinds control almost everything… and CURRENT Horses Behinds are controlling everything else.Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
MemberA lot of good laughs in this forum. Seeing I have a few on my computer from email friends looks like a place to share a few. A few maybe oldies.
Some corny one liners.......1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.13 What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.22. How is a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna' Lose A Trailer.Posted 16 years ago # -
Quantum Dragon
MemberThis is a joke I heard on french TV (from France) yesterday.
I have translated it for you all, it should make a few of you giggle.
This guy was talking about why he joined Alcoolics Anonymous !
Guy : Well now that I have joined the A.A., I can continue drinking but under another name !
;)
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberA man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with em.”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.” “Ya can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.”
“Didn’t no one complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberMaizey....too funny! Just shows what you can do if you put your mind to it :) I loved the tenjewberrymuds one too.
PS All the others are good too.....great place to come if you need a good chuckle. What a hoot!
Posted 16 years ago # -
copmom
MemberBet you can't get 100% on the first try!
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!
It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the
Directions!It's harder than it seems! A brain waker-upper for today!
Http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberHere's my score: http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf
I cheated though....I've done this before. But it's still cool.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Messenger
Member10 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer
at passing cars. See if they slow down.2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
6. Don't use any punctuation.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."
9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're
not in the mood.Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
Member25+1 More ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's
wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
wrapper.Posted 16 years ago #
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