Sure did enjoy that one Maizey!
:D
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Could You Use A Laugh?
(754 posts) (41 voices)-
funkymom
Memberbkm- that kid can move.
maizey- great one.
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here's an oldie, but a goodie:Cheap Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi, Keith!”
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberA couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to
an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberConfessions
To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.
On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberAhhh...nice golf joke, FunkyMommy! Here's another:
Jesus, Moses and this really old guy were playing golf. On the second hole, there was a lake running across the fairway between the tee and the green.
Moses stepped up to the tee first. His shot landed out in the middle of the lake.
Moses walked up to the lake, spread his hands, and the lake parted. He walked to the ball and hit his second shot to within ten feet of the cup. He then continued across the lake bed to the green. He turned, brought his hands together, and the lake returned to normal.Jesus stepped up to the tee next. His shot landed in the middle of the lake, right on top of a lily pad. Jesus walked on top of the lake to the ball, hit it to withing 5 feet of the cup, then walked on across the lake to the green.
The really old guy stepped up to the tee. He hit his shot out into the middle of the lake, where a big fish swallowed the ball. A bird flying overhead dived down to the lake and grabbed the fish in his beak. As he was flying away, he dropped the fish onto the green. When the fish hit the green, his mouth popped open and the ball flew out. It rolled about 25 feet, circled the lip of the cup three times and dropped in.
Jesus looked toward the old guy and said, "Dad.....will you quit screwing around and just play the game!"
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberJesus and Moses were out on the first tee, about to start a round of golf. Another couple of golfers walked up, not knowing who they were, and asked if they could join them. Moses said yes, so the first guy teed it up. His shot landed in the trees. The second guy's tee shot went into a bunker. Moses hit his tee shot into the deep rough.
Jesus stepped up and hit his shot right onto a lily pad in the middle of the lake. He walked onto the lake to the ball, hit it onto the green, where it rolled straight into the cup, then he walked across the lake.
One of the guys looked at Moses and said, "Who does he think he is.....Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "No, Tiger Woods."
Posted 16 years ago # -
maizeydaze
MemberRobert, that was cute! Go ahead and press the button...now!
__________________________________________________________One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
Posted 16 years ago # -
Paulga
MemberI like you...i LIKE you...i like YOU.......sorry got carried away, but i like it Rob!
An old Lady staggered into the police station and said to the duty officer....i have just been Graped.....after a long pause the duty officer said....you mean Raped?.....Graped said the old lady, there was a bunch of them!
Paulga
Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
Member -
robm
MemberBuckleysmom thanks, that was absolutely lol hysterical, a real treat to see that sketch again.
Here is a current one of my favourites. It has done the rounds so sorry if it has already been shown (although I did a quick search here with no results)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7IxliAPjAkPosted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
MemberAfter a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?' she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
'We were just playing church mommy,' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.''Posted 16 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
Memberrobm.....if I didn't have my faith and my sense of humor I'd go crazy :)
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
MemberOne lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberI laughed BEFORE I read the joke, because I have a cousin named 'Ben Thomas'.
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberFunky.....just glanced at your profile. Are you really in AZ? Believe it or not, so am I.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Memberi knew that. didn't i ask you where in arizona you were when you first started posting? i thought i did, if not, than my psychic abilities are stronger than i thought.
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actually, that's why i made the stalker comment on your last 'top ten list', #9(#9.....#9....#9....sorry, my kid's been into the white album lately) is tucson, where i am.Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberWow. I lived in Tucson from 1969-1980, then off and on since. I graduated from Palo Verde.....lived very close to 22nd/Kolb. I may actually be moving to Tucson the end of June if I can find a place to rent before I go. I don't want to spend a ton of money on motels while looking for a place.
Posted 16 years ago # -
funkymom
Membercool. i've been here for just over a year. i'm finally getting used to it. the class i was taking this past semester, was at the pima east campus. i passed by 22nd and kolb every thursday evening. i wish i could help you find someplace to rent, but i'm living with my folks (long story, short......when i left my husband i needed a place for my daughter and i to live, and i needed to be taken care of myself for a little while.). we do have a friend who rents some properties, but i'm not sure if he has anything available or how much money he's asking. my parents rented a place when they first moved down here, so i could probably hook you up with their realtor.
if you PM bubby, you can tell him that i give him permission to give you my e-mail addy. then, if there is anything i can do to help you out, ask........and maybe i'll consider it.
Posted 16 years ago # -
CreamyPretzel
MemberI appreciate the offer of help. I'd rather not go through a realtor, as you almost always end up paying more. I generally prefer privately owned apartments as opposed to the big complexes. I'd rather put the money in the hands of someone who needs it, rather than into some company that doesn't care about anything except their profit margin.
As far as the parents thing, I've been there and done that (with the exception of the husband part).
I'll keep checking craigslist.com for the Tucson area. If you hear of anything, just tell Bubby that I said YOU can have MY e-mail address (link him to this statement). In the meantime, if I get desperate, I can always find a nice dumpster near the Wal-Mart at Speedway and Kolb. The dumpsters here in the Yuma area are way overpriced!
Posted 16 years ago #
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